Marc is a manager working for a multinational company in the car industry. His company has recently launched a series of initiatives to raise awareness on gender equality in the workplace, including a conference on the notion of being an ally. He didn’t expect the subject matter to have such a profound effect on him.

Marc sees himself as an open-minded and caring person. As such, he wants create for his team – which is predominantly male –  an environment where everyone can contribute and be respected. But ever since attending these training sessions, one idea has been on his mind: that of being an ally to the women around him, whether they be colleagues or direct reports.

And this idea, more than just a concept, is starting to make him think differently: “I now notice things I didn’t see before. Who speaks the most. Who is listened to. Who is interrupted. Who stays in the background.” He pauses. “Before, I would have let it pass. Now, I wonder if I shouldn't do something about it.”

When wanting to do the right thing becomes a new imperative

As our conversation progresses, a pattern emerges. Whenever he observes a situation that catches his attention — for example, when he sees his junior colleague struggling to make her voice heard in a meeting — Marc hesitates. “I ask myself: should I step in? Should I let the person handle it? What if it makes things awkward?… I also realise that I’m not alone. Many of the men around me hesitate too. It’s as if you have to be sure of yourself before you dare to step in.”

There is more to this hesitation than meets the eye. Marc is used to knowing what to do. He has built his career in an environment that values reliability, decisiveness, composure and a willingness to take responsibility. His team turns to him when a problem arises. His line managers appreciate the way he takes charge. So, when faced with situations where there is no obvious answer, he feels uncomfortable.

I ask him, ‘What happens to you when you don’t know what the right thing to do is?’ He smiles. ‘I don’t think I like it very much.’ ‘What is it you don’t like?’ He thinks for a moment: ‘Looking uncertain. Getting it wrong. Not knowing how I’m supposed to behave.’

Moving from a managerial role to the freedom to choose

We explore the behaviours and expectations he has internalised over time: being self-assured, always having an answer, avoiding discomfort, taking responsibility, and not showing weakness. These expectations are not bad in themselves. Some have even helped him succeed.

But Marc is now beginning to realise something he had never put into words before: “Perhaps always wanting to be competent is stopping me from engaging in conversations I don’t fully understand.” I ask him: “What if being an ally didn’t require knowing exactly what to say?”

A long silence. Then: “I think I’m looking for the right answer. Whereas I could simply be attentive, ask a question, listen… and accept that I won’t always get it perfectly right.”

Small actions, a big difference

We then explore a few situations where Marc can try out a different way of behaving: giving the floor to someone who is keeping a low profile, asking questions rather than making assumptions — instead of thinking to himself, ‘She hasn’t said anything, so she doesn’t mind’ — and stepping in when the dynamic becomes unbalanced: an interruption, an inappropriate joke, or a comment that makes someone feel sidelined.

A few weeks later, he tells me about a meeting. A colleague is interrupted several times. This time, he simply steps in: ‘I’d like us to let her finish her point.’ The meeting carries on. But Marc notices something. ‘I didn’t feel like I was playing the “perfect ally”. I was just doing what felt right at that moment.’

Reflecting on ‘being an ally’ led Marc to see his role in a different light. He doesn’t need to have all the answers, nor does he need to know in advance what the right course of action is. He can learn as he goes along, accept that he might make mistakes and, above all, choose to act rather than let the fear of getting it wrong make the decision for him.

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And what about you? In what situations might you be waiting to feel certain before taking action?  How about we have a chat about it?