“Things are going well with my manager. And with the other departments too. But with the team, it’s complicated… They’ve all known each other for such a long time. They have their routines, their inside jokes, their ways of working. I always feel like I’m on the sidelines,” Jim, an American who has recently arrived in France, confides in me during our first coaching session.

As he describes his daily life, a certainty seems to have taken hold: the team doesn’t want him. Yet a host of situations, when considered together, fuel this impression without ever really confirming it...

The interpretation – sometimes distorted – of our behaviours

Over the course of our sessions, I ask Jim to describe to me what he does in a number of specific situations. In meetings, for example, he waits until he has a fully formed idea before speaking. “I don’t want to say anything that's irrelevant.” He is reluctant to join in informal conversations. “I don’t want to interrupt.” He prefers to wait for others to approach him. “I don’t want to appear pushy.” In his view, his behaviour reflects caution, respect and professionalism.

So I asked him: ‘If your colleagues don’t know what you’re thinking, what do they simply see from the outside?'’ After a pause, he replies: ‘Perhaps someone who prefers to keep their distance...’. We spend a lot of time interpreting other people’s behaviour, but we often forget that others interpret ours too. Intention isn’t always enough, because only our behaviour is visible.

Understanding what drives our reactions

As he reflects on various situations, Jim gradually identifies what drives his caution. Behind his reticence lies a familiar fear: that of bothering others, of not being taken seriously, or of giving a bad impression of himself.

I ask him: “What are you trying to protect yourself from when you keep a low profile?” He thinks for a moment. “I’m afraid of saying something silly, of not measuring up…” Together, we explore what this caution brings him. It reassures him. It gives him the feeling of minimising risks. It spares him the discomfort of other people’s judgement. Then another question arises: “And what is this caution preventing you from experiencing today?” This time, the silence lasts longer. “It stops me from forming connections, from being natural… Ultimately, it stops me from taking my rightful place.”

That moment marks a real turning point. Jim realises that his caution isn’t the problem. It has even been useful at certain times in his life. But in this new team, it has exactly the opposite effect to what he’s aiming for. In trying to avoid rejection, he unwittingly keeps his distance from others.

Exploring new ways of connecting with others

With this realisation in mind, we do not look for an ideal solution. Instead, we explore a few small actions that are simple enough to be put into practice quickly:

• speaking up earlier in meetings, without waiting until the idea is perfectly defined
• joining a conversation a few minutes before a meeting;
• inviting a colleague to have a coffee;
• sitting in the middle of the table rather than at one end.

A few weeks later, he returned to his coaching session with a smile. “In the end, they came to me… But above all, I think I finally gave them the space to do so.” That sentence alone sums up how far he has come. The team hasn’t changed. However, Jim has changed the way he interacts with them.

Whether you’re an expat or a new recruit, finding your place in a new team requires a better understanding of what, at heart, drives your behaviour.

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What about you? Have you ever found that others interpreted your behaviour differently from how you intended? Exploring this disconnect is sometimes the first step towards lasting change. Let’s get together and explore this!