As the new academic year begins in September, Virginie welcomes a new colleague to her team. On paper, it’s good news: a new recruit, an experienced professional, a fresh perspective. But she feels a sense of apprehension. This new colleague is fifteen years her senior, has a wealth of experience and, from what she understands, quite a strong personality. “I’m afraid he won’t respect me,” she tells me straight away. Then come other worries: “What can I possibly offer him? What if his presence calls my authority in the team into question?”

Virginie is 37 years old. She has been a manager for four years and is confident in her abilities. But the age gap seems to be stirring something up. And then there is what she is currently dealing with: her father passed away just before the summer. She has just returned from her summer holiday and her grief is still very much present. As our coaching session progresses, we realise that the issue is not just the arrival of this new colleague. It is the simultaneous clash of these two transitions: on the one hand, a professional transition; on the other, a much more personal one.

When age turns into a question of legitimacy

During our sessions, we explore Virginie’s fears. In particular, I return to the issue of her legitimacy. “What makes you think he might be more legitimate than you?” She mentions his age, his experience, and the situations he has probably already been through. I then ask her another question: “Do you think that being a manager necessarily means having more experience than the people you manage?” She pauses to think: “No… But I think I need to feel more experienced in order to feel legitimate.”

So I ask her: “What do you expect from a manager when you join a team?” “Clarity. Trust. Someone who knows where they’re going. Someone who listens, too,” she replies. “Do you need that person to be older than you?” “No.” “Do you need them to be better than you at everything?” “No, not that either.” She smiles. Something clicks into place. Being a manager doesn’t mean knowing everything, nor does it mean being the most experienced person in the team. Credibility is built through one’s attitude - the ability to create structure, to listen, to make decisions, and to enable everyone to contribute. Virginie then realizes that she can bring something to this future colleague: a different perspective on the company, another way of working, a fresh take on certain issues, and above all, a managerial framework

Welcoming others without feeling threatened

In the following sessions, rather than focusing on how to get this newcomer to recognise her authority, we reflect on the relationship she wishes to build with him. “What sort of manager do you want to be for him?” This question prompts her to clarify her intention: to acknowledge his experience without being intimidated by it, to help him settle in quickly, to be clear about his role and her expectations, and to give him autonomy whilst remaining mindful of the team dynamics. She is no longer seeking to prove her legitimacy. She is seeking to create the conditions for a professional relationship based on trust. And she begins to view his experience not as a threat, but as a future asset for the team.

And then there’s the grieving process. We talk about her father, about how she’s feeling… How can she talk about her loss at work? She realises that she can choose whether or not to talk about it. To whom? How? To what extent? She doesn’t have to lay her private life bare to be authentic, but neither does she have to pretend that nothing has happened. And to accept that some days will be harder than others.

Another way of approaching the start of the new term

Virginie no longer tries to reassure herself by telling herself that she is experienced or legitimate enough. She now knows what she can do: embrace this new colleague’s experience without comparing herself to him, set clear boundaries, and ensure he settles into the team.

She doesn’t need to be older than her colleague, nor does she need to have had the same experiences. She needs to fully embrace the role that is hers. This new arrival may also be an opportunity to discover a new dimension to her role: no longer striving to be the best, but creating the conditions for everyone to give their best.

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What about you? Have you ever felt unsettled by the arrival of a new colleague in your team? Or found yourself going through a career transition whilst another, more personal transition was happening at the same time?

Coaching is precisely designed to help you navigate these stages as smoothly as possible – let’s explore this together.